Emotional Junk Food

I’ve been working on the concept of happiness lately. For many, many years I viewed myself as the president of the Optimist’s club- if there were such a thing as president, but if I were president, I would probably make everyone co-presidents right along with me because, hey, we’re all optimists here, so since we can all see things in the most positive of ways, we can all work together, right?

As a side note, for those of you who wouldn’t even step foot in a room where you might be mistaken for an optimist, I realize how terribly annoying I could be.

But in the last couple of years, reality, or at least my perception thereof, has entered my house like a thief and kicked the optimism right out of me; threw it in a burlap bag and ran out with it to sell at some local pawn shop. Unfortunately, along with my optimism, it also took, hope, energy and a large stash of my happiness and left behind anger, despair, pessimism and loneliness. Yeah, for those of you who haven’t seen me in a while, I’m a real joy to be around these days. Finally though, I’ve started taking care of myself again and am trying to rekindle these concepts that were so much a part of who I used to be. I liked me back then. I’d like to be more of me.

So, I’ve been reading books about happiness, worked on shifting my perceptions and my thoughts , breathed a who lot more and started asking myself better questions- like instead of “Why is this so f***ked up,” I might say, “Is there a way to consider this differently?” Of course this is a process and a relearning of sorts, so often times the question is ‘Is there a way to consider this F**ked up shit differently?” It’s a start.

I’ve also recently started looking at how I spend my time now versus how I used to spend my time. It’s kind of like those magazine articles that promise you’ll lose ten easy pounds and then reminds you of things like, “use mustard instead of mayo on your sandwich” or “brew your own cup of green tea at home instead of spending $10 and 3500 calories on your half-caff. double espresso vanilla latte.” I realize how much I indulge in “emotional junk food”- things that give me a quick fix of…something. I would say joy exactly, but these things work as a salve, or as a numbing mechanism- which in the absence of joy is sometimes all we’ve got.

Here they are in no particular order:

1) Junk food- Now it’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I love me some French fries in a way that’s almost unnatural. Unfortunately, they’ve become a staple- so has soda –which I only drank occasionally for years and never kept in the house and there has been a decided lack of vegetables in my diet- unfortunate for a vegetarian. Time to stop buying processed foods and sugar laden beverages. I see a refrigerator exorcism coming into my life very soon.

2) Lack of exercise- Lots of excuses for this one, none of them particularly legitimate. I’m the heaviest I’ve been except when I was pregnant. One of my difficulties is that I often have an all or nothing approach to exercise- either I’m working out at peak intensity for the maximum time every day or I’m doing nothing at all. My plan for this one is to bring workout clothes to work and change into them when I am leaving – I have about 45 minutes between getting out of work and picking up the Pickle and then Pepper. I should use it for something more than errands or crossword puzzles.

3) Lack of sleep- Pepper and Pickle are not champion sleepers. Knowing this, one might accommodate by going to bed earlier so extra sleep can be banked when needed. I, however, choose to stay up and watch reruns of Two and a Half Men and Sex in the City to see if that might work instead. Yeah, it doesn’t.

4) TV- I love tv. Love it. I’ll never be able to turn it off completely, but I am actively working to cut back. I get stuck when the Pepper refuses to go to bed and she and I head downstairs to the playroom. There’s no hope for me then. (I have however, cancelled one newspaper and actively try and avoid the news -on tv, online and in print - I can't emotionally take it anymore).

5) Computer- I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing meaningless games online. It started out as something to do when Pepper was nursing and I couldn’t use two hands to catch up on emails. But it goes way beyond that now. I have a problem. At least it’s not Evercrack.

6) Lack of quiet/ reflection time. (See numbers 4 and 5 above.)

7) Time for myself. This is the one I am able to actively do the least about. The Land Baron is working ungodly hours usually six days a week right now and a babysitter on a consistent basis is financially out of the question. But I am looking into alternatives. It’s exhausting to have to do so much just to poach a little time for myself, especially when I am already exhausted and burned out. All the moms reading this are nodding in agreement right now, btw.

Ok, I could go on, but everything basically falls into these categories. Hmmm- wonder why happiness is so elusive these days? But, like a cluttered house, I am unearthing a little bit of each of these every day. My hope is that eventually it’ll be like snow falling on a branch. One flake at a time doesn’t affect much, but at some point the accumulation will cause the branch to break.

Thanks for reading, or skimming or just getting to the bottom of the page. My plan for posting this is mostly just a reaffirmation of what’s been going on in my mind. By putting it out there to all of you, it raises the stakes for me to keep pursuing these things and not go back to the methods that don’t work and zap my soul away. I’ll keep you posted.